Dear Abby: I’m 15 and my parents won’t let me date. I try to talk to them about it often, but they are convinced I’m going to get hurt or lose my virginity. I think I’m old enough to have a small relationship. I don’t believe in premarital sex, and neither does the guy I like. I know I’m mature enough to date. I don’t want to date just because everyone else does. I want to date this guy because we are best friends and we want to see each other, hang out like teens and have a normal relationship.
What can I do to ease my parents into the idea of letting me date him? We have been together for almost two years — not dating — just seeing each other at school. We talk by texting. I want to be with him outside of school. Any ideas?
Ready to Date
Dear Ready: Like any other “skill,” being able to date successfully takes practice. I’d compare it to riding a bicycle. You don’t just get on and pedal off — it happens in stages.
It is obvious that your parents don’t want “their little girl” to get hurt, and trust me, on some level you will always be their little girl. But for you to become socially capable/adept, you should be able to start dating in groups. That’s how you will learn to handle yourself and the young men with whom you will interact. These lessons are important to learn at your age so you won’t be at a disadvantage when you are older. Perhaps this would be a persuasive argument when talking to your parents.
Dear Abby: I met my girlfriend a year ago and we are hopelessly in love. She has two beautiful boys, as do I, from a previous marriage. Recently, we moved in together in the house I owned after my divorce from my first marriage.
The problem is we argue every other day about things large and small. The biggest problem is her 6-year-old. She gives him no discipline. If I try to administer it, she has a fit and we argue.
Because she gave up her apartment so she and her children could move in with me, I would never want them to leave. We love each other, but we are both miserable. What should we do?
Lady with the Blues
In Florida
Dear Lady: It’s time for you and your girlfriend to agree to mediation so you can reach a compromise about your parenting styles. Start now, because if you don’t begin seeing eye to eye, I guarantee that you’ll both STAY miserable, and it will undermine your relationship.
Dear Abby: We have a co-worker issue and need your opinion on the best way to handle it. We have an all-inclusive policy about lunch. Anyone is welcome to come along.
The problem is one guy who is never satisfied with his food. Never! He always complains, and we suspect he does it so his food will be “comped” (which it has been before). It has reached the point that we no longer want him with us. What’s an appropriate way to handle this?
The Lunch Bunch
In Texas
Dear Lunch Bunch: The way to handle it is for one person who is closest to this co-worker to have a private talk with him and tell him that if he doesn’t stop complaining, he will no longer be welcome to join you because he has embarrassed every member of “the lunch bunch.”
Dear Abby: During my wedding reception a month ago, one of the guests (a friend of my mom’s) poured a glass of water on the DJ’s laptop because he felt the music was too loud and he wanted it shut down. My husband was furious and asked the guest to leave. The incident was blamed on too much alcohol, and it ruined the rest of the evening. Many guests were upset and left.
The man ended up paying the DJ to replace the laptop and sent us a note of apology for his behavior. My question is, must we send a thank-you note to him and his wife for the wedding gift they gave us? What the man did was unforgivable. In many ways he spoiled our day. Mom thinks I should “do the right thing” and thank them for the gift. It wasn’t his wife’s fault, so I am thinking of addressing the note to her only. Is that OK?
Wedding Day Survivor
Dear Survivor: I know of no rule of etiquette that forbids addressing the note only to her. However, when you write the note, word it this way, “We want to thank you and ‘John’ (or ‘your husband’) for the (gift), and we’ll think of you when we use it.” That way you will have thanked them both for it, and your manners will be above reproach. And if you prefer to avoid them in the future, you’ll get no argument from me.
Dear Abby: I am in the process of a divorce from my husband who cuts himself. Recently, he had an episode that resulted in a 72-hour hold for evaluation in a hospital. This is more than I can handle. My fear is finding him dead one morning. He says he loves me and wants to work things out, and he promises to stop (he’s promised before). Am I being selfish for wanting out?
Selfish
In Sacramento
Dear Selfish: Promising to stop self-harming behavior is not enough. Unless your husband is willing to get the necessary psychotherapy it will take for him to keep his promise, nothing will change. As it stands, I don’t think it’s selfish to want to escape from a situation in which you are helpless. The question is, if your husband is willing to get the help he needs and shows he is following through, would it have any effect on your decision to divorce him?
Dear Abby: My daughter has been living with her boyfriend for three years with no promise of marriage. She is 37, so we have advised her very little. The problem is, she wants us to continue treating him as family at gatherings and celebrations. Her father, sister and I are uncomfortable with this. On her most recent birthday, we were hoping he would give her a ring, but he gave her a snowboard.
We think he is leading her on and has no intention of marrying her. We no longer feel comfortable treating him like a member of our family. Are we right?
Looking Out for Our Girl
Dear Looking Out: What you were hoping your daughter’s boyfriend would give her for her birthday is irrelevant. I understand that you would like your daughter to be married, but it is possible that she and this man are comfortable with things the way they are. If you start to freeze him out, you may alienate not only him but also your daughter, so I don’t recommend it.
You appear to be confusing the boyfriend’s unwillingness or inability to make a formal commitment with some kind of rejection, which may not be the case at all. Some couples live together longer than this before heading down the aisle.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
