Dear Abby: I am an out gay Black man. Several weeks ago, the man I have had a crush on told me he’s now in a relationship. While I’m happy for him, I can’t help feeling somewhat resentful because I wanted to be with him. I haven’t dated anyone since my last relationship ended seven years ago. I have now distanced myself and limit myself to interactions and observations of his relationship on social media and in person, while also focusing on my own goals and aspirations. I haven’t messaged him since he expressed that he’s in a relationship.
Since that time, I have registered for the Law School Admission Test, started working part time as a coach helping students with ADHD strengthen their writing skills, and volunteer to teach web development to K-5 students. Normally, a relationship isn’t a necessity for my survival, given that I have focused solely on my career and educational goals over the past several years.
My question is: Is it worth holding onto these feelings I have for him, or should I move on? During our last conversation, he told me that if he ever finds himself single again, he would like to take me on a date.
—Single in San Francisco
Dear Single: You are doing all of the right things. You have a wonderful future ahead of you if you continue pointing yourself in that direction. I admire you for keeping busy by trying to help others achieve their goals. Whomever you wind up with will be getting a winner. The time has come to begin taking care of your emotional self. The last thing you need is to pine away hoping someone’s romance will end so he’ll ask you out. On the course you are on, you will meet Mr. Right, someone who is as dynamic as you.
Dear Abby: My late brother’s only child and her husband and 2-year-old baby want to come from the West Coast to the Midwest for 11 days during Thanksgiving. They would have to stay with my 87-year-old mother, who uses a walker and was recently in the hospital and rehab facility after surgery. I would like them to wait until spring when she’s feeling stronger. The baby will be less needy by then and crying less often.
I don’t want them to think we don’t want them to visit, but it’s entirely too much for my mom. I don’t have room for them to stay with me, and they can’t afford a hotel. I don’t want to hurt my niece’s feelings, but this visit would set Mom back. Her routine is important to her. When they visited less than a year ago, they stayed a week and it wore her out. Now she’s even less physically able to host. Help me, please.
—Nixing It in Ohio
Dear Nixing It: Talk to your mother about this and explain your concerns. The decision about whether the visit will be too much for her should be hers. If she’s reluctant to discourage the visit from her grandchild at this time, offer to deliver the message for her. However, unless you are the person who usually directs traffic in your family (there is always someone), the message should come from her.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.