Dear Abby: My adult son passed away two years ago at a young age. We were very close while he was growing up. He married young, and I maintained a great relationship with both him and his wife. They gave me the most precious grandchildren any woman could ask for, and I am extremely active in their little lives.
My daughter-in-law has moved on. She met a nice young man, and they are planning to be married in the near future. Do you think I would be out of line to request to have my son’s ashes back home with me? We live near each other, I love her very much, and we still have a great relationship. I don’t want to damage it by asking this if it’s not appropriate.
I would pass his ashes on to his children when they grow up, of course, but for now, I’d love to have my son back home with me and his dad because she has started her new life. My husband is noncommittal about the subject. When I broach it, he says he “doesn’t want to talk about it.” I really have no one to ask or confide in about this. Your thoughts would be most appreciated.
In North Carolina
Dear Still Brokenhearted: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your clearly dearly beloved son. If you would like to have his ashes after his widow remarries, I doubt she would be offended if you asked what her plans are for them and if you could have them or split them with her.
I can understand why you would want them, but I’m not at all certain your grandchildren would welcome that responsibility when they become adults. Your husband may be reluctant to discuss this because he is still grieving and hurting, too. However, because you are, as you say, still brokenhearted, please consider grief counseling and joining a grief support group.
Dear Abby: I have an elderly friend who complains nonstop when I phone her. She lives a three-hour drive from me and expects me to be the one to call. She doesn’t carry long-distance on her home phone, and her sight is too poor to dial numbers, although she’s able to see the TV.
I feel sad for her, but I dread calling her because of her negative attitude about life in general. It’s a shame to end a 40-year friendship, but I don’t believe I’m helping her or myself by listening to all her complaints. Should I write her and say I wish she’d try to be more positive? She has health issues, but I know many people who try to be pleasant in spite of poor health.
Feeling Bad for Her But …
Dear Feeling Bad: If the alternative to telling your elderly friend how her constant negativity affects you would be to drop her entirely, convey to her what you have written to me. The woman appears to be very isolated and possibly depressed. If she has family, suggest they involve her in activities for seniors in the community. Contact with other seniors might give her spirits and her outlook a much-needed boost.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.