By Dr. Sonnya Crawford

Dear veterinarian with the yellow fur,

I wanted to express my sincere apologies for my behavior yesterday.

Please understand this from my point of view. I woke up in the morning thinking it was just another purrfect day. After a breakfast that involved an unusual powdery coating (in fact, I think I was roofied), I was shoved into a cold plastic box and thrust into a moving vehicle with a panting, drooling dog and two cackling captors in the front. I thought I recognized my human at one point, but surely she would not have allowed this to happen to me.

Seven or eight hours later (this may be in cat time), the moving vehicle came to an abrupt stop and I was hoisted from the car onto a table in a room that had the residual smells of previously tortured souls.

A short interruption from this horror was the delight I found watching Mr. Stinky-dog being subjected to prodding, fecal removal, grinding of his nails and exsanguination. This brief pleasure was interrupted, however, when my box was transported to another, even scarier room with no familiar faces. Reminiscent of a kitten forced from the womb, I was then forced from my box onto a cold torture rack for which I could only imagine was the beginning of the end of my life.

If I had taken stock of how many lives I still had left, I would have been able to better rationalize this exploit, but I was too drugged for that. When you attempted to strap me down to the table as large daggers were heading for my veins, I may have lashed out in fear and caused you injury. I wanted to scratch your accomplice, but you happened to be closer. I might suggest that next time you wear leather gloves and eye protection.

Now that I have sobered up and realized that my humans may have been trying to help me, I feel quite remorseful. I was told you required sutures and a tetanus shot, and that you may develop Cat Scratch Fever (which apparently is not a ’70s disco move). My humans are not happy with me and made me wait a grueling 30 extra minutes for breakfast this morning as a punishment for my actions. (They will pay for this unfair torture.)

I hope your injury will not cause lasting emotional and physical trauma, and that you will accept the enclosed dead mouse as an apology. Please also share with the brown-furred human if you want to (although that would be a very dog-like thing to do).

I don’t believe in keeping score in life, but if I did — Leonard 1, Veterinarian 0.

Sincerely, Leonard

Sonnya Crawford, DVM, is a veterinarian at Grays Harbor Veterinary Services in Montesano. Her pets include two cats, numerous parrots, a giant bunny and saltwater fish. Her special interests are in avian medicine, veterinary dermatology and dentistry. Reach her at drsonnya@gmail.com.