Darn dairy and wheat — time for a new food plan

Published 1:30 am Saturday, August 30, 2025

Who knew that growing old could be so difficult?

I used to think that “old” people somehow automatically knew how to be old. Like the brain just says “You’re getting up there in years. Time to stop doing all that stuff you’re used to doing, like standing on your bed to change the battery in the smoke alarm, or getting down on your knees and weeding the garden for hours or eating the same food you’ve been eating for years. But I finally realized that at times even though my brain tells me I’m still in my 20s, my joints and back, and lately, my digestive system are definitely saying “You’re really getting old.”

A year or so ago when I went in to see our family doctor to get my prescriptions refilled he asked me if anything new was bothering me. I mentioned that lately I’d been having more intestinal issues. And of course he asked for more details.

Let me try and see if I can explain this without offending anyone.

I told him that for some time I’d been noticing my body was producing a lot more gas and I seemed to have no control over it escaping and causing me great embarrassment. In our family we call it “tooting.”

He said that’s not uncommon as ” we get older” but he’d like to schedule a couple of tests to make sure it was nothing serious. When I checked back in a couple of weeks and he said all the results were negative, he said it was time to check for the two most common causes of “gastronomical uncomfortable-ness” — gluten or lactose intolerance. He said the procedure was relatively simple: for two weeks don’t eat anything containing dairy products. If the symptoms go away, slowly add back foods with dairy and see what happens. Then do the same thing to test for gluten sensitivity.

On the way home I mulled over which intolerance I hoped I had. On one hand I love lots of food with wheat: breads of all kinds, pasta, pizza, cookies, cakes, croissants, bagels, croutons, cream puffs, pretzels, Quaker Oat Squares and doughnuts. But my day-to-day eating habits contain lots of food with dairy in it: milk, whipped cream, cheese (extra sharp cheddar, mozzarella, parmesan, Asiago, Romano, Havarti, etc.), ice cream, cream cheese, cottage cheese, sour cream and of course butter.

And then there’s the list of what I call the double whammies — food containing both dairy and wheat: pizza, lasagna, macaroni and cheese, ice cream sandwiches or drumsticks, Meconi’s Italian subs or Phillie cheesesteaks, just about any fastfood burgers,and cheesecake.

The next day I started the 14-day regimen of no dairy products, and two weeks later the unexpected stomach-gurgling mini explosions were still happening. So I took a day off and then started a gluten-free diet. And less than two weeks later — ta-da — no more tooting.

Problem solved. Dairy products were fine. Just no wheat stuff.

And then about two months ago, the old symptoms started up again. At first I just thought it was another one of those things I had to put up with being in my late -’70s. But then I realized that the week we spent in Cancun — when I was eating very little dairy — I had no unwanted gas issues.

So now it’s back to eliminating lactose (as well as staying away from all gluten ‘cause that’s already a no-no) and — fingers crossed — all unwanted symptoms will slip away.

Looks like I’m going to get creative with meal planning. Lots of meat, seafood, fruits, vegetables and gluten-free pasta. I’ll let you know how it’s going.