Again, I was watching television the other day and a show had a very appropriate statement that caused me to think. That statement was: “It is not a question of what war, fighting, and killing does to our enemies, but rather what it does to us.”

This is very profound.

America will always have enemies, and may have to fight them. Those enemies are governments or ideologies, not men. Not the combatants. However, wars will always involve men and women. And those men and women will be changed by war.

Are governments affected by war? Absolutely. Economies are the largest effect, but entire governments can be destroyed, overthrown, or replaced. Is geography affected by war? Positively. Borders change, and land and buildings are damaged or destroyed.

But the largest effect of war, fighting, and killing is on individual men and women. I postulate that there is not a man or woman that has been actively engaged in war who is not damaged and/or changed. Often that damage or change is quite obvious through the physical wounds and injuries. But much damage and change is more subtle and even invisible. The damage is often most significant in one’s soul.

I was speaking with a veteran of the Vietnam war the other day who came to the realization during our conversation, after 52 years, that he had been damaged. He had never even considered that he was a victim of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). He just knew that he was an unpleasant and angry man. He said that he had always been that way.

He had not thought before that he had not been unpleasant and angry when he went to war, but was when he came home. As we talked, he recognized many of the symptoms of PTSD as personal character traits of virtually his entire adult life.

I have realized in the last few years that some things about myself were caused by my Vietnam experience. It should have been obvious, but was not until well after my diagnosis of PTSD and much self-evaluation. Here is one example:

In 1974, at MCAS El Toro, California (my first duty station on return from Vietnam) I was a sergeant and supervisor in the Electronic Countermeasures (ECM) shop of my squadron. It was a slow day so when I came back to the office after being out for a little while, the troops were sitting around talking. They were discussing which men were the best leaders in our squadron. After listening for a while, there was a short lull in the conversation so I asked: “What do you think about me as a leader?” I will never forget what Lance Corporal Denny Emslander from a small town in Minnesota said: “Not very much.”

I asked: “Why is that?” He said: “You have a horrible temper. When things don’t go well for you fixing an airplane or piece of equipment, you get mad and scream, curse, and throw your tools. That is not a good example of leadership for the troops.”

I replied: “You are absolutely right.” That day I quit screaming and throwing tools. But, I now realize that the anger was still there, I just buried it. It has always been there, a deeply ingrained part of me. I have tried to subdue it, but was not very good at it. I still get angry about little nothings, and carry it way too far.

I have looked back on my military experiences and have found eight specific experiences that have been accepted by the Veterans Administration psychologists as “nexus” or causal events. But did any of those experiences really change me? Probably, but I will never really know.

However, I realize that it was that anger, emotion, anxiety, and extreme physical reaction that kept me alive in some of those situations.

I know that my psyche was altered. Probably by one of those experiences. Probably by the anger resulting from having to do what was required of me during one or more of those experiences. Maybe it is the guilt of having done some things I could not have even considered doing in any other situation, and regret to this day. Except that I could have been killed if I had not acted as I did.

I think I am probably OK. But there are many things I regret. Many things that still hurt today.

I have never physically hurt anyone since Vietnam, but I do know that I have hurt many emotionally. To them, I am sorry.

Most people don’t, can’t, understand why I am the way I am. Most just accept me as I am.

But I now know that it was war that had a great influence on me, my soul, and actually made me who and what I am today.

Is it good or bad? Neither. It simply is what it is: me.

Please remember: Many of our young men and women have sacrificed greatly around the world, to protect our country, our rights and freedoms, our allies, and the flag of the United States of America. I am proud to have been one of them, and would gladly defend this great country again today or any day.

Jim Daly, a retired captain in the U.S. Marine Corps, is a member of the Aberdeen Veterans of Foreign Wars, Post 224 and its Veterans Service Officer. He is also a member of the Vietnam Veterans of America.