By Mark Harvey
The odds are pretty good that most of us are hearing the terms “caregiver” and “caregiver support” more and more. If you’re a veteran of these columns, you’ve certainly been hearing it since back before it was fashionable.
But now everybody is hearing it all the time. How come?
Well, as usual, there are several reasons. Obviously, people have been taking care of people they love for as long as there have been people; that isn’t news. Actually, most of us grew up around it, have lived around it or live around it now; so it wasn’t newsworthy, it was “normal” — the natural cycle of life.
Then people started living longer. So, since we weren’t all dying on schedule from the things that used to kill us with a predictable degree of regularity, somebody had to provide the care we needed. Guess who that fell to? Right: family caregivers.
And, since more of us are living longer, that just naturally leads to more and more folks providing care, right?
And, as more of us are living longer, thus requiring some degree of care, the people providing that care are providing it for longer periods. It isn’t about caring for Mom for just a few months anymore; we could be talking five, 10, 15 years here. So, for a lot of us, it isn’t just something we have to figure out and do for a while; it can be something we have to figure out and do for a very long time.
That’s life-changing.
Finally, a lot of us didn’t even know that we were “caregivers.” We thought we were wives, husbands, daughters, grandkids, friends, ex-spouses — people who were just doing this because it was the right (and natural) thing to do. Well, we were — and we still are. But here’s my operative definition for the term “caregiver”: somebody who is taking care of somebody who needs to be taken care of, whether they like it or not.
That does sound a lot like you to you, doesn’t it? Yeah, I know.
So, the reason we’re all hearing that phrase “caregiver support” so much is because there are a lot of us doing some pretty hard work 24/7 — and if we get to the point where we can’t do it anymore, society has a big problem.
And I’ll tell you who else would have a big problem: that person we’ve been taking care of.
So, if we all don’t find ways to take care of ourselves as we do some of the hardest work there is, and if this whole culture doesn’t find ways to support us caregivers, things are going to go to Handbasket Land real quick.
So, now that we all get it, let’s think about the word “caregiver.” What picture do you see? Probably the same one almost all of us saw: a gal, usually a wife/mother/daughter, as the angelic face of hard, dirty work. And that’s actually pretty close to the truth, but the picture is changing.
Eight years ago, just 34 percent of caregivers were men. Today, 40 percent of the 40 million Americans caring for a loved one are male.
So what? That’s a fair question.
In a lot of ways, both genders say the same things about caregiving: They didn’t really have a lot of choice in the matter because somebody had to do it. Both are more prone to health problems and depression than folks who aren’t caregivers. And often, they aren’t just helping with transportation and the finances; they’re helping with “personal care” — very personal care.
And that’s one of the two main differences between the genders, when it comes to caregiving: Men are much more apt to be uncomfortable with hands-on personal care, especially if they’ve never been through the child-care trenches — and that’s stressful.
What’s the other big difference? Allow me to speak as a male: We have a tendency to hold “it” in.
Oh, sure, there are a few genetic anomalies among us who have enough sense to admit when we’re stressed and overwhelmed and we need help. But most of us will just keep our mouths shut and carry on, whether that’s out of fear, ignorance, machismo or years of role-modeling. Then, one day, we melt down.
Yes, that can happen to any caregiver. But I’m focusing on us males right now, because a lot of women are just inherently smart enough to speak up and ask for help. But us? No, we just soldier on, because … we’re tough.
OK, what if we were tough and smart? What if we were smart enough to call any of the numbers at the end of this column and say we’re caregivers and we could use a little “backup”? (Use any word you like, it doesn’t matter; they’ll figure it out). What then? Would we be “less”?
Or would we be “more,” because we care enough about the person we’re caring for to take care of ourselves.
I know: You’ll probably have to think about it. But keep these phone numbers handy — just in case.
Mark Harvey is the director of information and assistance for the Olympic Area Agency on Aging. He can be reached by email at harvemb@dshs.wa.gov; by phone at 360-532-0520 in Aberdeen, 360-942-2177 in Raymond, or 360-642-3634; or through Facebook at Olympic Area Agency on Aging-Information &Assistance.
