By Rex Huppke

Chicago Tribune

I have obtained the following very real and not-at-all-made-up statement from the White House explaining President Donald Trump’s decision to fire Secretary of State Rex Tillerson:

THERE IS NO CHAOS IN THIS WHITE HOUSE — ONLY GREAT ENERGY!!

SOME (LESSER) PEOPLE CANNOT HANDLE THE GREAT ENERGY THAT IS HERE, ALONG WITH THE LACK OF CHAOS.

THAT IS WHY SECRETORY FOR STATE ROX TILDENSON HAD TO GO. HE DID NOT HAVE THE STAMINA TO ENDURE OUR GREAT PRESIDENT’S FANTASTIC ENERGY, WHICH NOBODY CAN QUESTION OR SHOULD QUESTION BECAUSE OUR GREAT PRESIDENT IS ALWAYS RIGHT AND TRUTHFUL.

ROX WILL BE MISSED (NOT REALLY) AND WE THANK HIM (NOT REALLY) FOR HIS SERVICE TO THIS GREAT COUNTRY, A COUNTRY THAT HAS BEEN MADE GREAT AGAIN BY PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP. (“MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” HATS AVAILABLE AT THE ONLINE STORE, SEE LINK BELOW.)

SOME IN THE LYING FAKE NEWS MEDIA ARE CLAIMING THAT ROX LEARNED ABOUT HIS FIRING AFTER READING ONE OF THE PRESIDENT’S VERY AMAZING TWEETS. THAT IS FAKE NEWS. THE PRESIDENT USED HIS MASSIVE BRAIN TO SIGNAL TO ROX THAT HE WAS GOING TO BE FIRED. IF ROX DID NOT RECEIVE THAT TELEPATHICAL SIGNAL FROM PRESIDENT TRUMP’S IMPRESSIVELY MASSIVE BRAIN, THAT IS HIS FAULTS.

ROX LEAVES THE WHITE HOUSE HAPPILY AND WE ARE SAYING THAT HE SAID: “I AM HONORED TO HAS HAD A CHANCE TO WORK FOR GREATEST PRESDENT IN THE HISTORY OF ALL AMERICA AND TRULY THE GREATEST LEEDER THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN. ANYTHING THAT HAS GONE WRONG IS ALL MY FAULT BECAUSE I’M A STUPID MORON. ALSO, I NEVER CALLED PRESIDENT TRUMP A MORON BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A DUMB LIE AND I’M A IDIOT ANYWAY AND NOBODY LIKES ME. AND REX IS A STUPID NAME.”

THE PRESIDENT IS BRILLIANTLY NOMINATING CIA DIRECTOR MIKE POMPEO AS NEW SECRETARY FOR STATE AND IS CONFIDENT POMPEO WILL BE GOOD AND NEVER DISAGREE WITH THE PRESIDENT OR CRITICIZE HIS GOOD FRIENDS IN RUSSIA OR CALL HIM A MORON. BECAUSE IF HE DOES, HE KNOWS HE WILL NO LONGER BE ALLOWED IN THE CHAOS-FREE, GREAT ENERGY ADMINISTRATION PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS SO SMARTLY CREATED WHILE MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. (MAKE SURE YOU ORDER A HAT AT THE LINK BELOW.)

THE MEDIA SHOULD PUBLISH THIS STATEMENT WORD FOR WORD WITHOUT ASKING ANY QUESTIONS LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO BECAUSE THEY ARE SO HATEFUL AND AWFUL. IT IS ALL ABSOLUTELY THE TRUTH AND THERE IS NO REASON TO DOUBT ANY OF IT IF YOU LOVE AMERICA.

EVERYONE SHOULD BE GRATEFUL TO PRESIDENT TRUMP FOR THIS SMART ANNOUNCEMENT AND THIS VERY GOOD STATEMENT ON ROX AND THE OTHER GUY AND STUFF.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

(Hats available at: NotTrumpEnrichingHimself.com)