By Mark Harvey
I suppose you’ve heard that the Social Security/Supplemental Security Income cost-of-living adjustment for 2019 will be 2.8 percent, right? And that they haven’t figured out the 2019 Medicare rates, right? So, we’re containing our enthusiasm, right? OK, just checking.
Now…
I hear this story often enough. It’s about Dad. Well, it’s about a lot of people, but it revolves around Dad — and his son. Well, sure, it could just as well be his daughter, or any one of others, but for today, let’s say it’s his son. This is my letter to your father:
Dear Sir:
I’m writing on behalf of your son, the one who loves you.
Your son is a grown man and could have written this himself; in fact, I’m not going to say anything to you here that he hasn’t been saying to you for some time. But I’m hoping that, since I’m not your son, you’ll look me in the eye and listen.
I understand that your wife — the mother of your children who I know you love — has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and is headed down that road. I am genuinely sorry, Sir. I wish we could change that, but we both know we can’t. We both know that the diagnosis isn’t a mistake and that she isn’t going to get better, and we both know how this is going to end. I am genuinely sorry, Sir.
I also know that you are your wife’s sole caregiver. You may not think of yourself that way, or in those words, and I don’t think that we need to quibble about terminology. But there’s the truth of it: You are the only one taking care of her.
You are also the only one who is shopping, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, maintaining the family home and generally running the entire household — for the both of you, single-handedly. I admire you, Sir, but it’s time someone looked you in the eye and told you the truth:
You are making a huge mistake, and hiding it in “love.”
Oh, I don’t doubt that your love for your wife is real, and that you are prepared to continue on this path indefinitely. But there comes a point where courage becomes foolishness and frugality becomes stinginess. The time has come, Sir, for you to allow some help to come into your home.
You have saved for a rainy day — well done! — but, Sir, it is raining. Your wife has Alzheimer’s. It won’t get more emergent than this, so it’s time to spend some money.
And it’s time for you to admit that you can’t do it all, by yourself — no one can. It’s time for you to acknowledge that your manhood, and role as husband and provider, does not pivot on your ability to do the impossible; it is defined by who you are, and that was settled long ago.
It is time for you to work with your children — who love you both! — to get some help coming into your home. Yes, it will be an adjustment. No, it won’t be perfect. Yes, it could be pricey (but you have the money). And maybe it will be an intrusion, and I acknowledge that those aren’t the most attractive prospects.
But consider please, Sir, what happens if you insist upon continuing on your present course, because I can guarantee the outcome: One or both of you will die. I’m sorry, but it is that simple. And it is up to you to decide: Is that the outcome you have in mind?
It could well be you, Sir, who goes first; then, what happens to her? Right. Is that the outcome you have in mind?
And you probably feel like you’re being pushed out of your home or forced to give up your independence in the name of “survival,” so you resist. I understand — who wouldn’t? But at what point do you give up fear in the name of practicality? In the name of love? In the name of courage?
The time has come, Sir, to make a different choice. Allow your son to help. Love him. Trust him. He is the man you raised.
Do that, so that the next time you look in the mirror, you’ll see something you’ve seen before:
A brave man.
Mark Harvey is the director of information and assistance for the Olympic Area Agency on Aging. He can be reached by email at harvemb@dshs.wa.gov; by phone at 360-532-0520 in Aberdeen, 360-942-2177 in Raymond, or 360-642-3634; or through Facebook at Olympic Area Agency on Aging-Information & Assistance.
