By Mark Harvey

This is Week 2 of “How can I get Mom to accept help?”

I’m not going to replay all of last week’s column, because then we’d never get anywhere. So I’ll just trust that you had it firmly taped to the inside of the microwave (kidding!), and we’re ready to go.

Let’s say you’re right: Mom does need “help.” Let’s begin with addressing what kind of help does she need, and how much?

“Help” could be anything from laundry to post-surgical wound dressing, so let’s clearly define what “help” looks like. Assuming that you aren’t available to do it, the first could mean a maid service, a home care agency or a private individual; the second is about a registered nurse from home health.

Let’s assume it’s the former, so it’s about housework, maybe some help with shopping. Just because Mom might “need” (as opposed to “want”) help with something doesn’t mean she needs help with everything — and she probably wouldn’t accept it, anyway.

Let me tell you a story called “Guerilla Social Work”: The daughter in Atlanta, who works and has two kids of her own, is on the phone with Mom on Wednesday evening. Mom happens to mention that she almost busted something hauling the laundry up from the basement the other day. Daughter, worried, flies into town on Friday night.

By the time she flies home Sunday afternoon, Mom is scheduled to receive two dozen frozen meals and has one of those panic button thingies hanging around her neck, and a housecleaner is scheduled to show up at 8 a.m. Monday.

By Wednesday evening, the frozen meals are in the garbage because they wouldn’t all fit in the freezer, the panic button thingy slipped into the garbage disposal while disposing, and the housecleaner is history because she didn’t know how to vacuum anyway!

What happened? Well, nobody asked Mom what she wanted. The daughter just assumed that she knew what Mom needed.

Now, maybe if the daughter had asked something like, “Hey, Mom, do you want a hand with that darned laundry?” Mom might have said, “Yes!”

And, assuming that all went well, Mom might have gradually become open to help with something else (vacuuming is a popular No 2, but whatever), because she wasn’t being made to feel “less than.”

And I’m presenting a rosy picture, but I think you get the idea: One step at a time, then pause … maybe another step, then pause.…

Other issues can come into play in these scenarios, like: Was there a medical event? Did Mom have a stroke, or something? That changes the game for everybody, including Mom.

Is there an issue of affordability for this help? Who’s paying? If it’s you, can that be handled in a way that doesn’t make Mom “less than,” like a six-month birthday present, or something?

And if “help” entails a stranger coming into Mom’s home (the family home?), remember that there two huge issues that need to be acknowledged and handled:

1. Who is this person? Do you know her/him? Have there been background checks? Is Mom willing and able to effectively “supervise”? There are predators out there, so what about the potential for financial exploitation, etc., ad nauseam?

2. There needs to be a reasonable personality match between Mom and “help,” if this is going to work for any length of time. They don’t have to be Best Friends Forever, but they do have to be able to get along and communicate. And remember this: “Help” has a right to her dignity, too, and Mom needs to acknowledge and honor that.

Yes, it is complicated! And it’s a process, so don’t expect a quick fix.

And please don’t leap to the assumption that, because Mom fumbled the wet blankets on the basement stairs, she (a) needs to come live with you, or (b) should be immediately relocated to the assisted living facility across town, for all the same reasons we’ve discussed here, plus several dozen others.

Complicated as this all is, I’ve seen it work thousands of times. If you get lost in the complexity, remember two words: dignity and respect. Yes, they are both a part of love, but they can get lost in love.

And if you get really lost in it all, just close your eyes and picture yourself n Mom’s situation. Things get pretty clear, pretty quick.

Mark Harvey is the director of information and assistance for the Olympic Area Agency on Aging. He can be reached by email at harvemb@dshs.wa.gov; by phone at 360-532-0520 in Aberdeen, 360-942-2177 in Raymond, or 360-642-3634; or through Facebook at Olympic Area Agency on Aging-Information & Assistance.